Do the Cannes Cannes

In 2008 a crack commando unit of MovieSet personnel were sent to the Cannes Film Festival. Their mission? To infiltrate the world's most prestigious film festival, to get invited to all of the hottest parties, to covertly maintain surveillance on A-list actors and to spread the word to the global film players that MovieSet is open for business.

Undercover MovieSet employee #2 (codename "Swinkle") has been posting photos from Day 1 of the Cannes Film Fest on the MovieSet Facebook page. I'm going to show you a few of these snapshots along with my description of the action taking place (click on any photo to see it in a larger size):

1. Street banner ads for the 61st annual Cannes film festival greet the international visitors all over the picturesque city. The photo of a beautiful blonde woman wearing blacked-out glasses was carefully chosen by the Cannes governing body so that it represents the panel's interest in seeing "a hot chick wearing a pair of old person's sunglasses." Truly exquisite.

2. As is the case with every Cannes festival each year, this French town is overrun with film lovers, business people, celebrities and video store clerks. Finding a hotel for the duration of the week-long event is a Herculean task in and of itself, but landing reservations for dinner at one of the five-star restaurants is practically inconceivable unless you're the likes of Angelina Jolie. We don't know Angie but MovieSet has been able to guarantee that we will always be served fine French cuisine by reserving an entire restaurant for lunch and dinner every day, as this photo will attest. When money is no object you go in style.

3. Mike Myers is back in theaters this summer with the release of his new movie "The Love Guru". In the film Myers plays a self-help guru named Pikta who is hired by the owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs to help the team's star player overcome his hang-up with his wife who has run off into the arms of another rival hockey player. To help promote the film Paramount Pictures decided to have the same Scottish scientists that cloned Dolly the sheep clone a 35-foot-tall Mike Myers and then have him stand in front of a Cannes hotel holding a flower for the duration of the festival. No expense is too much when it comes to entertaining the masses. Apparently our MovieSet team was so enthralled with the giant Mike Myers clone that our company is considering using the technology to giant clone the MovieSet IT department.

4. When the PR department of a Hollywood movie studio comes to Cannes to promote their latest blockbuster, you have to go all-out to make sure that your message is heard by the masses. While Paramount had its giant clone of Mike Myers standing outside a French hotel, DreamWorks decided to cut its costs and rent out two dozen panda suits, fill them with extras and then sing the theme song to "Kung Fu Panda" across the water to the visiting cruise ships. While the strategy gets points from me for its novel approach to thinking outside the box, the shame and humiliation faced by these brave, poor souls whence they return to their families may not be worth the paycheck they received. You try singing " 'Kung Fu Panda' opens in theaters June 6" for ten hours facing open water and wearing a panda suit in a foreign country and then see how you feel. Is there a psychotherapist in the house?

5. One of the biggest hits of last year proved to be the Warner Bros. film "I Am Legend", making nearly $300 million domestic and securing Will Smith's place as one of today's hottest movie stars. Even with the stunning success of the movie, it took everyone by surprise when the movie studio decided to film "I Am Legend 2" at this year's Cannes. Sparing no expense the production blocked off several Cannes boulevards and shut down numerous businesses to give the streets an eerie, deserted look. Here is our photo of one of these exteriors just before filming took place. I smell another hit!

6. We've seen what Paramount did for "The Love Guru", splicing together a Frankenstein-like monster version of Mike Myers that needs to be fed 4 tonnes of apples and rice a day to contain his hunger, but what are they doing for the sure-to-be-blockbuster "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"? While the film will have its red carpet premiere at Cannes with director Steven Spielberg and star Harrison Ford in attendance, apparently the heightened competition from Uwe Boll's "Postal" has played an unexpected part in the visibility of the film's marketing. Whereas "Postal" is being promoted with a nightly parade/sideshow and fireworks, all that's being done to let the public know that there is a new "Indiana Jones" movie has been to post up three small signs above the world's biggest Cartier watch. Maybe Spielberg thinks that he doesn't need to promote "Indy 4" against "Postal", but I'll let his hubris be his downfall.

7. The fleet of cars that the MovieSet team have rented for their stay at Cannes. Not that we like to brag about lavish displays of money but, well, there it is. Yes, we paid extra to have the Canada flag flying above our parking space.

8. While the MovieSet team has a tight schedule to maintain we do like to spend some time now and then to remember that we wouldn't be where we are without the support of our fans. That's why we wanted to take a few moments while in France to meet our European supporters and shake their hands in person. While we were heartened to see so many smiling faces waving to us it was the presence of the paparazzi that really surprised us. Quickly our MovieSet camera person spun the tables on these vultures and took photographs of them leering over the security fence surrounding our hotel as the team walked to their cars on the morning of the first day of the festival. How do you like those apples, huh? You bottomfeeding scum.

(P.S.: All marriage proposals should be sent via official courier to our hotel's front desk reception and not screamed across the street. Please also include a current photograph of yourself so we know whether to get back to you or not. Thanks!)

That's all for now from the sunny seaside coast of Cannes but I'll have more photos to share with you later! Until them, adieu!